You are in the dark. Your heart beats faster. It gets harder to breathe. Your eyes dilate. You clump toward the light source—the floor changes. Suddenly, you are under intense light! You can hear your heartbeat… THUMP THUMP! THUMP THUMP! You feel nauseous. These are not butterflies! There is a whirlwind in your stomach.

You turn your eyes to the light source. Too bright, too hot. Your eyes seek solace. You want to turn back and go back to the darkness, to safety. But you can’t now. You look ahead. And see thousands of glitters. Watching you, judging you. You take a breath and smile.

You open your mouth to speak, and nothing comes. It gets hotter, you perspire. A single drop of sweat travels across your eyebrow and finds your eye. It burns. You try to think about something to say. Your brain is barren.

You start mumbling the sentences you rehearsed a million times. You breathe. You don’t remember the following sentence, so you skip to the first one you remember. Darn! Now you remember the previous one. What to do? You stop. You smile.
You are as red as an apple now.

That is precisely how I feel when I am writing for this blog too. Even though only a few people are reading this, writing for this blog stresses me. It feels like stage fright. When I am writing here, the same fight or flight reflex kicks in, and I freeze! I stop writing for this blog and write other things and feel safe that I am writing.

I used to have stage fright. I used to go on the stage, and my mind would go blank. I would feel lanky and couldn’t decide where to put my hands. I would hear my heart pounding. I got rid of it over time, and my medicine was being on stage over and over again. If you get on the stage every day and do a lot of mortifying things on stage and get away with it, you start losing the self-destructive talk that makes you freeze in front of people.

When I started this blog, I thought by writing twice a week, I would write quality stuff instead of going for quantity, and that would be my best course of action. That experiment failed. I have been skipping that twice a week schedule at least once a week. Trying to write that long-form interesting article makes me freeze. That’s a problem.

It is time to drop that experiment and try another hypothesis. Starting today, I will experiment writing every day on this blog and use it to try different styles, genres and write about what’s on my mind. This blog will be the stage that I get used to being on stage all the time. I am going to make mortifying mistakes and then continue writing.

It will be an honor if you be a part of my journey while I loosen up and get ready for significant experiments.

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Yigit Cakar

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Yigit Cakar