What defines a human? Who am I? What is the core of my being? If you want to start fresh, these are the questions you have to answer without influences. So far, I found out that we are a collection of our previous experiences and that’s fearsome since I walked away from them. At the age of almost thirty-one, I am standing here and I have nothing to define me. I feel lost, without a single meaning.
I thought that the things I know, a lifetime of knowledge accumulation would guide me in this emptiness, shed a light towards the path I have to follow; a tug towards the place I have to walk towards. To my surprise it did. Then the fear rendered me useless. I expected the path to be easy, to have a solid ground that I can walk with confident steps. Yet, it only provided shaky ground and confusion. I will stumble on that path because I have nothing else to do. I have nowhere else to turn.
Melancholy eats my brain, eats my soul, eats my brain, eats my being. I can lay on my bed until I die because there is nothing worth doing. There is no reason to get out. I used to listen to people in depression and couldn’t understand the way they were feeling. My ego, my urge to live was so strong that the way they feel was undecipherable for me. It was too easy to live, it was easy to survive and important. Why throw away the gifts you have been born with, why to throw away the efforts you have put all your life because you are feeling bad, I would say. Yet, here I am, gifted more than the average bear, on my knees, with no urge to survive.
This is my plea. I will survive. I am going to build a life from scratch. I am going to walk the path laid before me, no matter shaky, no matter how hard it seems. No matter how far success seems, no matter how improbable it is. I have nothing else to do and I need a reason to get up, get moving, do something…