Mistakes accumulate. Mistakes grow bigger. Mistakes have a domino effect and they usually result in bigger mistakes. And if you are anything like me, you make a lot of mistakes.
By like me, I mean that you raised naive to the world. You were shy and was not ready to enter the cruel world of childhood. You were weird. There was a gap between you and your peers. You didn’t know how to communicate with them, and your shyness stopped you from learning. So you read instead of talking to them. You dreamed. You walked alone on the streets instead of running around with them. Instead of fighting with other guys, or trying to open the skirts of girls you thought. The gap widened.
You were emotional. Very emotional, in a world that required men to be tough. You had to be more manly. Therefore you started neglecting your emotions, building a cage for them. Not looking towards them. Completely ignoring them. Acting like you don’t have them. Trying to depend purely on your intelligence. In the end, you lost your ability to empathize but learned to read and manage people’s reactions and intentions. Finally, you learned to manipulate them.
Somehow, you learned how to communicate in serious situations. All those reading and thinking made you a leader. You weren’t ready for that, so you started growing an ego. As you rise, as you become better, some people tried to pull you down. Some people start to backstab you. Then you turned your ego into a weapon. You started recklessly swinging it, hurting people sometimes intentionally, mostly unintentionally. But hurting people nevertheless.
You didn’t know what to do with your life and you thought maybe you can fill the gap between you and your peers by doing the cool things. You tried everything cool. You didn’t like them. You turned giving things up instead of following through into a habit. You even tried to conform to the rules of the society. You got a business degree and then started working at a traditional company.
As you grow older, as people conformed to their lives, the gap widened. You felt like an outsider. Being an outsider had advantages in the business. You got better, and gained recognition but hated every second of it. Yet, you didn’t have the courage to leave. You didn’t know what would you do if you leave. So you tried to conform more, conform better.
One of your parents got terminal cancer. You were the only child and the parent was divorced and lonely. You spent eight months in hospitals, mostly in emergency wards to watch him/her die. That struck you hard. That crushed your ego. That opened up wounds in your soul. It shattered the illusion you were trying so hard to believe.
You decided to stop everything and go to another country. Study something different. Resigned and left. You spent a year. You fell in love madly. Decided to give up everything and build a life with her. But dominoes fell over your relationship. You ruined everything. You bought a ticket back to your country.
You don’t have a career, a house, a spouse. You accomplished nothing in your life. Your thirty years on earth was a complete waste. You only have one of your parents and his/her love and support. You have no clue what to do. You don’t have a will to do anything. You don’t even want to live. You self-diagnose the situation as depression.
Then you returned to the only thing that brought you solace. You started reading voraciously. Then you started writing a bit. Those two were the only things that you had a will to do. So you read and wrote.
It was the age of the internet, and you wanted to write publicly. Blogging was the low hanging fruit. You already had the domain for your name and a WordPress set up. So you started writing.
That’s where we are…